- Joined
- Jan 9, 2023
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None of this is real. Nobody is real. But the pain, inflicted on me, is real. These agents of the universal chaos can inflict much suffering upon me. I must fight, resist.
My way can only be paved in a solitary journey. Anger is not my solution, my path to the light beyond this hell: it is madness. A madness, self-aware.
I must breach the darkness, venture forth alone, with no aid from another. This summer, is my last social summer. I will invite my work acquaintances out for a good time, to drink, for merriment. If they will come, or if they not, I cannot tell, and it does not matter: I will pave my way alone, as I have always done. They may come; as I have promised to buy the drink. All in desperation for social contact? I think that is fine, but it will be the last time. And then? I will retreat, within my own mind. Back again, as it was, when I was a child growing up. I will explore this world, alone. And when I finally succeed in landing my job, getting my humble trailer home, it will be by my own doing. And I will drown myself in my own liquor, and my own games, alone, because they are my light in the darkness.
I am tired of repeating the same old cycles, over and over. Trying to please, and appease, the perpetually unsatisfied. The "others". Other people; what have they to offer me, but pain? No, I must turn away. And of trying to find a mate? A partner? A woman, that cares for me, as I could care for her? She does not exist. I am surrounded by animals. A god, surrounded by the mud-slinging, primitive forms of a universe that exists wholly within my own head. All my life I have asked the question: why cannot I, the most powerful of gods, wake from the most horrific of nightmares? This was the wrong question. There is no waking from this nightmare; it is no nightmare, but the twisted reality of a doomed god. It is the only conclusion that makes sense.
I have to break the cycle, and leave the comfortable, the familiar, behind. I cannot indulge the nostalgic remnants of memories from lifetimes long passed. I need to look ahead, to my own future: one, of bleak sorrows, and struggles, the likes of which put to shame what I have already endured. One of unending, eternal darkness, but which paradoxically, holds the light I seek, if only I can reach out to grasp it. And my struggles will not end with my eventual release from this mortal world: I must continue on, fighting, for all the remainder of the truest eternity.
I need to face the darkness, swallow my fear of it, and head forward, to a better future, for myself. But I cannot do so without a light to find my way. Not the light I strive for, no, not the one waiting at the end of this tunnel, spanning a literal eternity; no, a simple light, one to see where I step, and where I must avoid falling to my doom. I know the answer to my troubles: anger, hatred, desire for revenge, these will not serve me, they will not bring me peace, nor will they bring me to my bright future, infinitely far away in the distant future. They can only serve to self-destruct me, to hold me back: for you see, I have finally realized that these emotions are not power. They are weakness! I do not control them; they control me! I have become submissive to those self-destructive emotions! And what is a man, or even a god, if he is slave to such primitive notions? No, my solution is simple: madness. Not complete madness, but a madness where I am aware. I have felt its creeping, cold hands, the freezing embrace, slowly engulfing my mind for years. And I have fled from it, like a coward. No more: I will embrace it. I will turn inward, and utilize this madness, the gift I have been bestowed, to find the right way. My madness will be the lantern which shines in the darkness I must tread, ever forward, toward my inevitable freedom. And it is inevitable, because I have finally solved the puzzle.
This is a new era for me. A spiritual era. Some in this space may call me a cuck, a coward, a volcel, a traitor; I care not for the words of the illusions of this world, for this world is nothing more than my own personal Twilight Zone. I don't care, anymore; I'm done being angry, I'm done chasing the female of this species, I'm done indulging my hatred. Of course, my transformation will not happen overnight; it will be a long and arduous struggle to overcome this weakness of my soul, and embrace my madness, as the optimal tool for achieving my mission. I need to pursue meditation, and restore my spirituality, which I have long since allowed to be eroded by the bad actors of this world, who have convinced me of my worthlessness. I am done being a slave, to the perceptions of others, as well as my own earthly emotions. And if I am so cracked, then answer me this: what has my anger and hatred, thus far, accomplished for me? What positive gains have I acquired from indulging these primitive reactions to the circumstances of my fate? There is no substantive answer to these questions, and therein lies the rub.
I will achieve spiritual awakening, and it will be my lantern in the darkness I now willfully turn to. My trajectory is clear, and I will not be swayed from my path. Do not tempt me! I will not be overcome. I have spent countless eternities returning to the same hell, to repeat the same pain, over and over again. Enough is enough! I see a future, one that is bright, where I am free, and tread upon my own path! But they are separated by this darkness, the bottleneck between worlds. And for so long, I have allowed my fear of this darkness to run in overdrive, fueling the anger, the depression, and everything that has held me back, held me down, imprisoned within my own mind. I am the master of my own fate. But the fruits of my labor will not come easily, nor quickly; I will not achieve my mission in this life, nor in the next, nor in any beyond. But I'm ready, and willing, to face what I must, and be the better person I can be.
For anyone wondering, no, I am not turning to religion; these are the comforting lies, of cattle. Sheep. I am a god; I am no sheep! No, what I do, from this moment forward, is embrace my own spirituality, which in fear and in disgust, aided and abetted by the lies of the religion I grew up with, I have cast aside, shattered upon the ground in many beautiful, but sad fragments, glimmering faintly in the moonlight. I have already taken my first of many steps on the path of anger management, and casting aside my fears of the madness which will save my soul. I am no animal. I am a god; what else could this be, but pure madness? But I will act godly, and to be angry, and spiteful, and to hate those who are less than me, is not godly. I must be fair, to those who would be unfair with me. I must be calm, with those who are angry with me. I must show the true character and strength of my goodness, in the very face of evil. I need to mend my spirit; it is more important than anything else in this world. All things are fleeting, except the affairs of the soul.
I don't expect this to be easy, but the rewards will be infinite.
tl;dr: I guess you could say, in the mundane words of animals, that I am going monk. Spiritual, disciplined monk. I'm done being a slave to the emotions, thoughts, perspectives, and notions that I have allowed to hold me captive for far too long. I won't be joining a monastery; my own mind, swimming in the madness of notions of godhood, infinite realities, and unlimited power outside the confines of this very limited mortal shell, will suffice for that. But I will bring myself under control. I have realized that I allow others to control me, control what I believe, by allowing their actions to have impact on my mood. I will no longer be a slave, but will set myself free. I have roughly 3.5 decades, before the natural termination of my mortal life, and I return to godhood, where this will all, paradoxically, become so much harder to master. So I might as well start now, and utilize what precious time I have left on this planet to work toward mastery of my own spirit, and my own mind, as much as my own will may facilitate. I have already wasted enough of my life; I refuse to waste the rest of it.
My way can only be paved in a solitary journey. Anger is not my solution, my path to the light beyond this hell: it is madness. A madness, self-aware.
I must breach the darkness, venture forth alone, with no aid from another. This summer, is my last social summer. I will invite my work acquaintances out for a good time, to drink, for merriment. If they will come, or if they not, I cannot tell, and it does not matter: I will pave my way alone, as I have always done. They may come; as I have promised to buy the drink. All in desperation for social contact? I think that is fine, but it will be the last time. And then? I will retreat, within my own mind. Back again, as it was, when I was a child growing up. I will explore this world, alone. And when I finally succeed in landing my job, getting my humble trailer home, it will be by my own doing. And I will drown myself in my own liquor, and my own games, alone, because they are my light in the darkness.
I am tired of repeating the same old cycles, over and over. Trying to please, and appease, the perpetually unsatisfied. The "others". Other people; what have they to offer me, but pain? No, I must turn away. And of trying to find a mate? A partner? A woman, that cares for me, as I could care for her? She does not exist. I am surrounded by animals. A god, surrounded by the mud-slinging, primitive forms of a universe that exists wholly within my own head. All my life I have asked the question: why cannot I, the most powerful of gods, wake from the most horrific of nightmares? This was the wrong question. There is no waking from this nightmare; it is no nightmare, but the twisted reality of a doomed god. It is the only conclusion that makes sense.
I have to break the cycle, and leave the comfortable, the familiar, behind. I cannot indulge the nostalgic remnants of memories from lifetimes long passed. I need to look ahead, to my own future: one, of bleak sorrows, and struggles, the likes of which put to shame what I have already endured. One of unending, eternal darkness, but which paradoxically, holds the light I seek, if only I can reach out to grasp it. And my struggles will not end with my eventual release from this mortal world: I must continue on, fighting, for all the remainder of the truest eternity.
I need to face the darkness, swallow my fear of it, and head forward, to a better future, for myself. But I cannot do so without a light to find my way. Not the light I strive for, no, not the one waiting at the end of this tunnel, spanning a literal eternity; no, a simple light, one to see where I step, and where I must avoid falling to my doom. I know the answer to my troubles: anger, hatred, desire for revenge, these will not serve me, they will not bring me peace, nor will they bring me to my bright future, infinitely far away in the distant future. They can only serve to self-destruct me, to hold me back: for you see, I have finally realized that these emotions are not power. They are weakness! I do not control them; they control me! I have become submissive to those self-destructive emotions! And what is a man, or even a god, if he is slave to such primitive notions? No, my solution is simple: madness. Not complete madness, but a madness where I am aware. I have felt its creeping, cold hands, the freezing embrace, slowly engulfing my mind for years. And I have fled from it, like a coward. No more: I will embrace it. I will turn inward, and utilize this madness, the gift I have been bestowed, to find the right way. My madness will be the lantern which shines in the darkness I must tread, ever forward, toward my inevitable freedom. And it is inevitable, because I have finally solved the puzzle.
This is a new era for me. A spiritual era. Some in this space may call me a cuck, a coward, a volcel, a traitor; I care not for the words of the illusions of this world, for this world is nothing more than my own personal Twilight Zone. I don't care, anymore; I'm done being angry, I'm done chasing the female of this species, I'm done indulging my hatred. Of course, my transformation will not happen overnight; it will be a long and arduous struggle to overcome this weakness of my soul, and embrace my madness, as the optimal tool for achieving my mission. I need to pursue meditation, and restore my spirituality, which I have long since allowed to be eroded by the bad actors of this world, who have convinced me of my worthlessness. I am done being a slave, to the perceptions of others, as well as my own earthly emotions. And if I am so cracked, then answer me this: what has my anger and hatred, thus far, accomplished for me? What positive gains have I acquired from indulging these primitive reactions to the circumstances of my fate? There is no substantive answer to these questions, and therein lies the rub.
I will achieve spiritual awakening, and it will be my lantern in the darkness I now willfully turn to. My trajectory is clear, and I will not be swayed from my path. Do not tempt me! I will not be overcome. I have spent countless eternities returning to the same hell, to repeat the same pain, over and over again. Enough is enough! I see a future, one that is bright, where I am free, and tread upon my own path! But they are separated by this darkness, the bottleneck between worlds. And for so long, I have allowed my fear of this darkness to run in overdrive, fueling the anger, the depression, and everything that has held me back, held me down, imprisoned within my own mind. I am the master of my own fate. But the fruits of my labor will not come easily, nor quickly; I will not achieve my mission in this life, nor in the next, nor in any beyond. But I'm ready, and willing, to face what I must, and be the better person I can be.
For anyone wondering, no, I am not turning to religion; these are the comforting lies, of cattle. Sheep. I am a god; I am no sheep! No, what I do, from this moment forward, is embrace my own spirituality, which in fear and in disgust, aided and abetted by the lies of the religion I grew up with, I have cast aside, shattered upon the ground in many beautiful, but sad fragments, glimmering faintly in the moonlight. I have already taken my first of many steps on the path of anger management, and casting aside my fears of the madness which will save my soul. I am no animal. I am a god; what else could this be, but pure madness? But I will act godly, and to be angry, and spiteful, and to hate those who are less than me, is not godly. I must be fair, to those who would be unfair with me. I must be calm, with those who are angry with me. I must show the true character and strength of my goodness, in the very face of evil. I need to mend my spirit; it is more important than anything else in this world. All things are fleeting, except the affairs of the soul.
I don't expect this to be easy, but the rewards will be infinite.
tl;dr: I guess you could say, in the mundane words of animals, that I am going monk. Spiritual, disciplined monk. I'm done being a slave to the emotions, thoughts, perspectives, and notions that I have allowed to hold me captive for far too long. I won't be joining a monastery; my own mind, swimming in the madness of notions of godhood, infinite realities, and unlimited power outside the confines of this very limited mortal shell, will suffice for that. But I will bring myself under control. I have realized that I allow others to control me, control what I believe, by allowing their actions to have impact on my mood. I will no longer be a slave, but will set myself free. I have roughly 3.5 decades, before the natural termination of my mortal life, and I return to godhood, where this will all, paradoxically, become so much harder to master. So I might as well start now, and utilize what precious time I have left on this planet to work toward mastery of my own spirit, and my own mind, as much as my own will may facilitate. I have already wasted enough of my life; I refuse to waste the rest of it.